Thursday, July 1, 2010

The fugitive bear of Red River Gorge

The fugitive black bear of Red River Gorge is still on the run.

Federal officials have placed an All Points Bulletin (APB) on a black bear in the Red River Gorge of central Kentucky. Officials from an array of Federal agencies are combing the Red River Gorge wilderness in search of the bear that became famous after becoming the first black bear to attack a human in modern Kentucky history earlier this week.

The terror brought on by the attack has forced the closure of the 29,000-acre Red River Gorge Geological Area. Although exact numbers haven’t been provided, officials in Washington DC say it’s the highest number of feds scouring a wilderness area since the Eric Rudolph case.

Helicopters, Karelian Bear Dogs, U.S. Army Scouts and Dog the Bounty Hunter have all been deployed to the area. After the bungled Gulf oil spill response, local residents have expressed shock that the U.S. government was able to respond in such a short amount of time.

Hourly updates on the progress of the hunt are being provided by media outlets across the state and beyond. As always, the media is doing its best to keep the public calm while the fugitive remains on the loose.

Just as the bear that bit the hiker near Laurel Falls in the Great Smoky Mountains received a name, I think it’s appropriate that we give the fugitive bear in question a name as well. I think we should call him “Red” – “Red the black bear”.

A National Forest Ranger, who refused to give his name, stated that he believes that Red is hiding out in the disputed and highly lawless mountainous region along the Wolfe County - Menifee County line.

Another ranger is theorizing that fellow bears in the area are providing Red with safe houses, allowing him to stay in their dens during the day, which allows him to stay on the move at night.

There are also rumors that humans sympathetic to Red’s cause are providing assistance, including leaving food items out at night for him as he travels from den to den.

Although Red has no known priors, it’s suspected that his parents were behind several bluff charges and dumpster raids in Virginia several years back.

Just hours ago, a young anchor from a Lexington TV station - fresh out of college, reported from a helicopter dispatched to the scene that they thought they had found the bear escaping in a white SUV. From the air the crew followed the vehicle down the Mountain Parkway all the way to Compton until they discovered that it was actually a former NFL Football star. Purportedly he played in Chicago.

Stay tuned as the hunt continues.

Jeff Detailed information on trails in the Smoky Mountains; includes trail descriptions, key features, pictures, video, maps, elevation profiles, news, and more.


Anonymous said...

Dog the Bounty Hunter? Where did you acquire this information?

Anonymous said...

ummm, I think that's called satire..

smoky scout said...

Love it, Jeff! Very clever parody of Eric Rudolph/OJ Simpson. And I still get comments on your April Fool's column about my steroid use on the trail.

Smoky Mountain Hiker said...

...and don't forget Osama bin Laden...

- I hope you stopped using those steroids by the way! Maybe the 900 Miler Club will let you get away with it, but I'll make sure the MST bans you from the record book!!!